I suffer (suffer?) from a pretty wicked mix of Histronic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Though, I do have a pretty hefty amount of empathy, which is considered unusual.

As a streamer, professional gamer, and commentator, I see a lot of struggle in my everyday life. Most people consider narcissism to be a big ego or just being obsessed with one’s self. And while those are common, the big thing they miss is the perfectionism. EVERYTHING. MUST. BE. PERFECT. I don’t mean that from an OCD perspective, where I would straighten a towel on a rack, or check the locks 50 times. When I do something, I have a crippling fear of it being seen as imperfect. So, if I make a play in a game or commentate a tourney match and I mess up, and someone comments on it, it’s basically the worst thing in the world. Even self-aware and understanding the fleeting message holds little, if any, merit, it’s life changingly horrible. It’s the end of the world at every mistake. For instance, my company purchased me some wardrobe options for a big tournament coming up, since I’ll be on camera. They’re AMAZING suits, and any boy in the world would be beyond lucky to have obtained them.

In my case, the pants are SLIGHTLY too loose, and I had to have them tailored. With that, I have no idea how I’ll look at the tournament, and I’m a fucking WRECK because someone *might comment on my pants that can’t even be seen because when I’m on camera, I’m sitting behind a desk.*

I KNOW THIS, AND IT STILL IS MAKING ME SWEAT. I CURRENTLY AM SWEATING. FP;SAIKNFOASLN

Most people find it silly, but it’s bad sometimes. So bad I can’t face the world. Can’t get out of bed. Sometimes, I can’t even log onto twitter, in fear or a person who has made a troll account with 0 followers who might tell me something even kind of negative. It keeps me up. It’s silly, at its core. It’s nonsensical that I even humor this, but I can’t not.

Couple that with my extraordinary ADHD, and it’s a nightmare. Because now, not only am I worried about that bullshit, but I’m sitting fidgetting, picking the skin off my hands because I need to do 20 things at once or my brain shuts off. If I’m not stimulated by at least two things at any given time, I fall asleep. I can’t even watch TV or a movie without chewing on something, or playing with my phone. If I don’t have something, I’m asleep in 20 seconds, no matter what.

What Gaming Means To Me

Honestly, games are my savior. I’m always doing two things, and RPGS allow me to think about progress, consider options, while reading a story or fighting a battle.

Multiplayer games are my main forte, but it’s hard sometimes, because losing or even dying once could be a bad spiral of regrettable behavior. But, how I love them. Winning obviously is a calming mechanism, so it gives me a feeling of relief not accessible otherwise.

Jennifer Hazel

I’m a psychiatry doctor and passionate gamer. I run a resource called prescriptionpixel.com – an interface between video games and mental health.
This is a space for gamers to safely share their feelings, access personalised resources, and seek help without judgement or stigma.